I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
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Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
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Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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