apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
