i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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