I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Randomize
