Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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