Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Randomize
