my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
