I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
