and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
