I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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