Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
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