The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
