My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Randomize
