im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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