It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize