he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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