he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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