i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
