That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Randomize
