WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
