Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
