i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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