By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
