i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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