You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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