Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
