lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Randomize
