There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Also, beer. Big fan.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Randomize
