Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
