Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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