I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
