Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
3pm strippers are depressing
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
