Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
