he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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