I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
