I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
