So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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