I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
