she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Randomize
