i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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