so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
false alarm, still single
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