Define "chronic" masturbator.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
