my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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