He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
