Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Drunk is a universal language darling
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