Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
