i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I am naked and annoyed.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
