How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
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