Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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