I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
