I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
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And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
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But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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