I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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