it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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