I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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