He uses pillows to masturbate.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
