i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
