I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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