Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Just pee around me
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
