How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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