I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
