Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
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