you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
