why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
