you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
