somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
